The transition of settling in the last few days at home have been pretty seemless. Still taking it easy per the doctors orders, only doing mundane things such as laundry. I did however go and see the girls at BBY for our last luncheon. The new owners take over on Sunday. I will stay on the schedule and see how it goes. I desperately need to catch up after this trip. The girls were so excited to see me. I have such awesome friends. They have been so supportive. I missed them just as much as they've missed me. I brought the cake with "Thanks for the Memories" written on it, as you can see below. Very festive. It was truly bittersweet. The end of BBY. AWWWWWWW...We all hope to see some positive changes in the future. It's been a great 12 yrs for me over there. Priceless!!!
I left BBY to run some errands. I got a call from Lisa telling me she was worried about her progesterone intake thinking that it's not enough. She rushed to her old REs (reproductive Endocrinologist) and they told her she was low. I then called my RE to tell them I was back from Czech and to see if I should take another progesterone and also ask if they would do my pregnancy test on Thursday June 5th. Of course they are so accommodating and said "YES", they would do that for me. (If only they were cheaper, you know I would have stayed here in the states and continued my treatment with them) The nurse told me to take another progesterone.
I went to Trishs and all of a sudden I was feeling very crampy. I then went straight home and did the progesterone as directed. I noticed a little spotting. Nothing to be too panicky about as it looked like old blood which is common for IVF patients, being that the treatment is so invasive. Yesterday was 8 days past 5 day transfer. (BIG SIGH)
DH came in and I told him what was going on and he was a little worried. He mentioned I should call Craig (our ivf company handling our treatment overseas) Craig reminded me that it's normal to have some spotting. Also, to keep taking the Prednisone (anti-rejection) So I didn't fret much, just layed down and rested. And Prayed..And Hoped...And Dreamt..And Worried....
It's with a Heavy Heart & Burning Tears that I announce to you all that it is truly over. My cycle started very early this morning. It's not just spotting any longer. I cannot deny it. I cannot continue to look on the internet or call the Doctor for a different answer other than the one that I know in my heart to be true. I will not make the scheduled June 5th pregnancy test. None of those Beautiful Blastocysts implanted.
I've been kinda numb all day. Partly stunned. I did go straight out to rollerblade to get some anger out, which I did, but the anger quickly turned to tears that I could not stop. My own personal defeat. It's not anything I can really explain. I only feel it within the depths of my soul.
This has been such a whirlwind..I mean I just got home. This whole mess has taken it's toll. This whole last treatment has caused stress on my marriage, emotions, and finances. I honestly don't know where to turn at this moment. I do not know which direction to pursue. End the quest for Motherhood? I surely do not know.
I will take the rest of the day to myself.
I intend to have a blown out Pity~Party for myself and unfortunately none of you are invited.
I realize that this blog has been something only a Mother, Sister, Aunt, Cousin and a few Best Friends could love, but honestly without your never ending support and continued love it wouldn't have been the same journey for me. Obviously we all wanted a different outcome, but it's not to be. I don't know why. Do not cry when you see me. The phone is off. I just need a few days.
(mom I'll be fine & I love you)
Love always, everyday, all day,
Jennifer
10 comments:
Oh my Dear Sweet Girl, I am so sorry, I really don't know what to say, except I would give anything If I could be there to hold you in my arms, and to try and make the hurt and ache go away. I can't know what you are going through right at this moment and hours to come, but know that I love you and my thoughts are with you always. Many blessings sweet one. Love mommy
Don't you know misery loves company? I will have my own pity party as well and pretend I'm holding you...hoping you feel the love. Take all the time you need...I'll still be here waiting. I'm sad those Beautiful Blastocysts did not have the chance to meet their Beautiful Mother. Love all over...tt
Jen I am so sorry my thoughts and prayers are with you. I wish could be there with you. I love you and miss you.
JJ darling,
I sit here numb and speechless reading your news. I also cannot hold back the tears and sadness of this turn of events. My heart hurts for you and I will pray that GOD heal your soul and spirit. I am here for you when you are ready to have a shoulder to cry on or let out your anger. My thoughts are with you during this time of greiving. And you also have alot of friends who love and care alot for you and are sending you thier blessings.
Love Angelina
xistos anasti
My dear cousin,
I read this latest entry with great sadness, my heart goes out to you. I can only imagine what you must be feeling rite now, I have prayed for you daily, and even though we can not understand why this is happening,God knows what he is doing, and I believe he has a plan for you. God will not give us more than we can bare, I know you will rise up from this with great strength as you always do in everything that you do! I am always here for you no matter what. I love you very much, Monika
Just want you to know my thoughts again are with you. My heart is heavy for you and I am feeling a little numb. I know u need your time but know that you are not alone. You have many people in your life that love and care about you. Hugs and kisses. I love you very much.
Jenn,
I am sooo sooo sorry!!! I read your blog on saturday and just cried and cried for you because I couldn't believe it. I know you need time to get through this but I will be there for you if you need to talk anytime of day or night. I do understand the pain you are going through and it truely sucks!!!!!Remember that letter you sent me awhile ago about how people respond to people that have fertility problems and what not to say, I wish I could find it. That was a beautiful letter. I wish I could ease the pain for you!!! God does have a plan for you and just remember he is there for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers!!! I love and miss you.
Danka
Our Dear Jennifer:
I am so sorry honey...wish I could be there to hold you close to try to ease your pain. I believe the Lord has His plan for you and you will be blessed.
We love you so very much.
God loves you too.
Love and prayers,
Aunt Joan and Uncle Harold
Jennifer...I just do not know what to say. I too cried when I read your latest entry. What I've read in other "comments" is true...you are a strong person. We don't know why this is happening but there is a reason - God has a plan.
Please don't forget the conversation with Kristina. we all love you and are thoughts and prayers are with you and Josh.
Love,
Sheryl
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